While you were in the lab inhaling chemicals the culture of medicine changed and your work is not so relevant anymore.  I imagine that is the fear driving the banshee cries for credentials when solid queries from the layman arise about the nature of healing and the resources allocated for it.
Where the relationships happen, where decisions are made, where people get hurt or get healed, is in the prescribers office and the pharmacy counter and with family....not so much in the lab.
Knuckle dragging chest thumping scientists who refuse to use their minds instead to defend burning towers and crumbling institutions--so last century.

Following an intuition to go to my alma mater UCSF School of Pharmacy for career guidance I e-mailed four professors.
My body is broken to a degree preventing me from performing the tasks I have for 17 years as a pharmacist: repetitive lifting above the chest, opening bottles, cradling phones and writing, looking up and down all day.  I am looking for a new way to make a living.
I contacted professors with similar interests to mine: all keep a hand in academics and writing, diabetes, psychopharmacology and supplements and integrative medicine.
Two did not respond.
One very graciously explained that I am too old to do residency and academics and should consider government regulatory or sales jobs.
One is recently deceased in Las Vegas apparently having left the university attempting to open an internet pharmacy.
But there may be some volunteer mentoring opportunities.
And I would genuinely like to do that.

My housemate murdered another person this morning.

My housemate murdered another person this morning.
Brutally over the course of two hours.
I was powerless to stop it.
He apparently has a new victim nearly every morning.
And I am afraid to leave my room until the carnage is over.
It starts in his bathroom--which adjoins my bedroom wall-- with the opening and slamming of approximately 20 drawers and cabinets.  I can only imagine he is frantically selecting the perfect weapons.

Then I believe he transitions to waterboarding and various forms of electrical torture judging from the sounds of toilet flushings and vibrato buzzings and coughs and belches.

It really ramps up as the melee moves to the kitchen.
I can only imagine the terrible war crimes and atrocities committed involving knives, metal pots and pans thrown around like axes, and ... coffee grinding?  Vitamix blending?  I am sure it is much more sinister.

It comes to a close with several door slammings as I can only imagine the larger body parts that were not ground in the Vitamix and coffee grinder are dragged out for dispersion and disposal so as to be undiscoverable by satellite imaging or the latest K-9 search and rescue techniques.

I check that the coast is clear out my shower window and emerge with forensic intent to discover that the place doesn't look too bad.  An occasional dinner plate chip, sometimes an oven burner still on or microwave door open.   Nothing I can really call the cops or the FBI about.

I keep looking for clues.

Breath.

Something that has fueled me and put me at ease:
Still in bed I follow my breath: past my heart into my lungs
I really savor each breath.
Just a few breaths even.
Imagine watching the easy breath of a sleeping baby...then watch your own breath with that magic and wonder.  Follow it for a bit.

In a morning dream someone called it "Priming the pump" for the day.

If I can get to bed early and awaken before the alarm this is has a profound positive effect on my day. I can then set intentions for a good day.  Just like my gratitude practice at bedtime this helps me be more centered and rested and it can be done alone or with a partner-- it feels good to me.


Breath is amazing as it happens without intent.  I had a self defense instructor who emphasized that we were meant to survive and to prove his point he asked us to hold our breath until we died.  Even people with the will to refuse to breath to asphyxiation and pass out will awaken and breath. Breathing is integral but can be influenced by anxiety (unconscious) or by intent (conscious) and just its mere observation makes it more easeful.

Breath is bigger than the mind.  Breath fuels life from life (i.e. the  animal and plant respiration/photosynthesis cycle) so it connects us to the whole biome--to all of life.  Following the breath is a ticket and a key.

I just have to turn of all the screens and electronics long enough to do really enjoy it!